chronic illness

Whom is detached and depressed? Where is the reset button in my mind?

Getting reactivated after serious losses is equivalent to learning to live again.  Yet, down days, rainy Mondays, are bound to happen.  How do we get going when we just can’t find our start button?

I haven’t written a post for a week due to fatigue, anxiety, and sadness due to the loss of my father recently.  Stomach aches, low blood pressure, and low-grade fevers have me feeling weak and tired.  Over a week ago my son had a bad accident and has a compression fracture of the no. 2 Lumbar spine.  A Lot of tears of concern for him.  He is handling it better than I.

Today I went to see Nick whom helps me develop my life management skills, creative attitude along with my attention deficit.  Life management skills are essential for anyone with attention deficit, chronic illness, or depression.  I have been going to him for years.  He helps a lot.

Expressing my depressed state over such things, when I mentioned my blog to him he was excited about that and wondered why I did not mention that before during my visit today.  Although I have mentioned it on other visits, I haven’t expounded on it because I was still so new to it, and am still new.  It is being down that has prohibited me from writing this last week.  I felt, whom am I to think I have anything valuable to express under the circumstances.  I have an acquaintance whom said  “Give it up!  Whom do you think you are to write?”  Do we just roll over and give in when someone is discouraging?  This sadly effected me.  What motivates someone to be discouraging to another?  It is not love that promotes negativity.  I feel I have many unique and unusual experiences that have shaped my views balanced with sound principles.  It is my goal to help others to be resilient despite difficulties and loss.  We must always strive to be mentally fit to endure our present situations, while recognizing our limitations.

This particular article I present doesn’t really offer up anything helpful for anyone today, except a word of Thanks to all of you whom read and express appreciation for my better days and the articles I write and post.  Keep coming back, and I will keep writing.

Where is that recharge button?  Where is the start button I need to fulfill my responsibilities? One word of advice Nick gave me years ago is to just put four things on your to do list.  How is your TO DO  List?  I fill up a page or two sometimes.  It can be hard to face.  At the beginning of the day it can make you feel defeated before you start, at the end of the day it can cause you to feel like a failure.  A limited list helps one to address priorities, thus leading one to feel they have achieved something.  A successful business person enjoys seeing their certificates of success and achievements around.  Our certificates of achievements can be our crossed off short lists.  My mother would purchase the smallest of memo pads and she would put her list on that and that little book would be the root of her focus each day.  Flipping back thru the memo pad would make the doer of that feel mighty esteemed.

The Slob Sisters program breaks the list down into CaLL, Do, Send and Go, if I remember correctly.  I really like those two helping young homemakers get it together.  Over the years I have called, emailed etc. and they have always taken the time to help.  A young mother with no family around you can imagine how I felt with their help.  Their book “Get it together”  was a real hit about 20 years ago and I am due to read it again.

My friend Olivia picked me up and took me on errands and to my appointment with Nick.  I always enjoy my time with Olivia, she is never judgemental, just truly pleasant.  Are there any pleasant people out there?  It is a great quality to work toward.  She really built me up to face another day.  Tomorrow, if my body allows and Jehovah is willing I will only worry about the responsibilities for the day.  Now is the time to write my four items on my TO DO list, then I can pray about it,  Tomorrow is another day, another day for what?

Dedicated to a friend, Jamie whom is struggling with anxiety and depression.  May she have a better day and address the issues one at a time on short lists, so she can experience the joy of achievement once again.  All with Jehovah’s blessing and help.

Neglecting You, I am sorry,

Dear Friends,

I have been neglecting you.  Last Sunday an emergency room visit revealed a double hernia.  Last fall I had surgery for a hernia, and I just hadn’t gotten my stamina and energy back.  Strange pains made me wonder was it MS or an appendicitis.  The pain was so bad I felt like I had contractions and was having a baby.  My husband took me right to the hospital.

Because I have had 27 operations in my young life, I have some scar tissue, and with the hernias pulling at the scar tissue, well, that causes serious problems and pain.  On Monday I go to the surgeon and he will let me know how soon I will be getting my surgery.  It is a bit discouraging and revealing.

For a couple months now I have just been totally exhausted and quite irritable.  So when my son and his wife expressed that they were irritated with me for not doing as well as they thought I should be doing with my domestics I felt really hurt.  They really expected I should be progressing.  I thought I was progressing and my husband thought I was too.  I do have a long way to go.  My daughter in law is a great worker and helper, and I hired her to help me.  Many times she was here I would have to go lay down for a bit.  When I tried to help, I could not keep up with a fit,  young 20 year old. I did not know I had these hernias.  You know how it is, when you do not feel good, you do not always receive things well, and it is easy to misunderstand.  I have been handicapped for a few years with other problems.  Never the less, they had great intentions thinking they would help me to get it together once and for all.  Wouldn’t I love to have it together, to stand on my own, to never need a thing, I do have pride.  The body just does not cooperate.  Today I had a few things I needed to do to prepare for surgery, and a few things I wanted to do.  I have only reclined because I do not feel good.  I am sad because I really wanted to do these things.  My son and his wife are so organized and they do not have one extra thing in their house.  I am very proud of them for how they keep it together so wonderfully.  It saddens me they are disappointed in me.

Being hurt, I spouted off, they are hurt too and greatly disappointed in me.  I am totally confounded.  Physically hurting, and now emotionally hurting, I cannot sort out my own problems.  I am not a good example for others, I am so sorry to all of you that take the time to read my posts.  I write because it seems to be the only thing I do well.  It is your choice if you want to continue on with me.  Now, I do write about what I know, and I am always working on what I suggest.  Let us continue to help each other and continue progressing.  It looks like I will not be able to write every day, but do not forget about me because if I can write, you know I will.

Taking our Medications

Taking our medications, so many of us do not want to take medications.  Those commercials are frightening when you hear all the things that could happen.  And, from personal experience, I know some of those things do happen.

Yet, we do go to the doctor, and we are entrusting them with our care.  In this day and age, most people have some health condition or mental health condition to contend with. Following our doctors orders can improve our situation.  Why else do we take the time to go to the doctor?

I am thinking about physical pain that I have to deal with and the variety of pain I experience daily.  There is no way I can take all these medications for all of these conditions all the time, at the same time, and my doctor understands.  Yet, I am learning all too slowly that when I am feeling a little spicey dicey with my family and friends, it means that I should have taken something a long time ago.

It is sad there are some whom are addicted to pain killers.  It can happen too easily.  It is also sad, if in the determination not to be in that situation, one behaves ugly like a bear because they are striving to ignore the pain.  There has to be a balance.  That is me the bear.  This last week I missed all my meetings, felt sick, joints swollen, fever, and I was unbearable besides exhausted.  Cancelling appointments, avoiding people, and resting is just what I needed.  So, I just stayed in, rested, kept quiet, and did not offend others with my irritability.  For a few days I was with my mother in law and I just took it easy.  I took my medicine and I needed it.  Learning it is good to listen to both our doctors and our bodies.

My wonderful doctor told me that is very important that I not be making any commitments, that will help bring the stress load down.  My blood work showed I was at heart attack, and stroke levels.  Having Lupus, Stress is the worst thing.  I have been following her advise.  When I am around others too much and putting pressure on myself, I notice a flare up of anxiety, heart palpitations, lightheadedness, and physical pain.  It is good to review our life occasionally and see where we can simplify, or lighten a stressed load.

When we do all in our power to care for ourselves healthfully, we will be blessed.  Eating a healthy diet, stretching, isometric exercises, a walk, and doing what our physical therapist teaches us, even after our sessions stop.  We protect our mind and body with healthful habits.  When I cannot go for a small stroll, I do seated exercizes.  Movement is circulation, oxygen for the brain, heart, and blood.

I am sad I could not do a post the last few days.  When you do not feel fab, it is hard to think of fabulous things to post.  Today, I had the best medicine, Dear Friends, a sweet family from Mexico whom have been my dear friends for a few years put me in a very good frame of mind.  My friend Yesinya, and her three children blessed me with their good cheer.  Jennifer whom is 16 made the most fabulous lunch, and Pablo and Ricardo always make me smile.

A friend is taking me on errands tomorrow, and her company is the best medicine.

Medicine is all that a doctor orders, whether it comes from the pharmacy, life style choices, activities, social life, diet, exercise, and ways to minimize stress,  The benefits of  it will replenish the mind and body.  If it is what the doctor ordered, give it the greatest effort to follow thru.

Toil Toil an it has all gone to pots

It sounds like a nursery rhyme.  This just explains how a person with chronic illness feels when they try so hard an still can’t get it right

This week one morning I backed into a mailbox with my husbands car.  Then I picked up a splinter in the palm of my hand within an hour, still unable to get it out. Monday I will have to go to doctor to get it out if I cannot.   Yesterday while cleaning the mantle a precious vase from my sons fell an broke. I started to cry wanting to climb in bed an forget it all. “No, I will cry later”, and I made myself keep at it  deciding to light a candle.  The first three lit matches didn’t make it, the fourth lit, but the match fell down by my feet on the rug. A lot of smoke too so I picked it up an blew for good measure, which also blew out my candle. I was getting in sensed   Determined, I got that candle lit, while losing precious time.

Although I knocked over a few more things and spilled some things while cleaning up.  Then some tinkle my son’s dog decided to express on the living room floor did not help my mood. Yet, I kept at it, ever so slow an steady.

The conclusion of the matter is that my mantle and about a third of the room are totally clean, wiped down an organized. The rest still looks in need of great care.

While putting the ironing board away I got my finger caught an pinched which took a small hunk of skin with it. Ouch. So I finally succumbed to the tears, tears of loss this week, tears of pain and aggravation.  I just laid down an rested, cried an prayed. Then I got up to attend to the next thing I wanted to handle.

If you have chronic illness or if you know anyone whom does, suffering is usually more than what is obvious. Never add to the pain an stress with expectations that may be unrealistic for them to fulfill.  You cannot expect them to live life the way you think they should.  As a person lives and breathes, it is still their decision.  A person’s care, at times, may cause them to think they are entitled to make decisions for the one whom is in a disadvantaged state.  The person suffering, their preferences should still be honored.