Red Flags Going up and Your Defenses are …

All at once you are in the midst of someone whom stresses you out, and they continue on.  What they say and do is overwhelming, how can you regain control?  When your in situations that you feel propel you along and it seems your mind cannot think of a way to change where you think it may be headed, what can you do?

When did the red flags start popping up?  How many excuses did you make that allowed the situation to continue on?  There are times we become victims.  There are times we do not have to become victims.  What can we do when we feel uncomfortable?

Change a situation sooner, excuse yourself.  Do not be in the habit of making excuses for someone that is in the habit of disrespectful behavior.  Mention to them at another time how you felt about the situation and what made you uncomfortable.  Tell them kindly what you would like to see different.

Watching the show Judge Judy you learn there are a lot of people out there surfing through relationships and opportunities where they make themselves at home while exploiting from you.  The victims are so eager for a relationship that when the charmer wants to start bumming the dollars, the money is then extorted.  When the well of affections runs dry, when the money numbers flags go up, then the extorter moves on.  The lonely one then takes them to Judge Judy because they are now on the list of those being made a victim.  Young teenagers should watch Judge Judy so they can see what mistakes to avoid in relationships.  There are men, and there are women that victimize.  Read my previous article:  Whose Movin’ in and Why? on

A friend of mine was approached by someone about dating with the consideration of marriage as the end goal.  She actually did a credit check on him and a background check of sorts.  They have been happily married for years.  He loves to joke about it, but he is delighted he was up to par.

When in a high pressure situation, excuse yourself with the phrase, “I need to call my father, or mother.”  Then call them.  You can tell a person that you do not want to talk right now.  Make a date very soon to talk to them. Keep it safe.  Do not let yourself be bullied into something your not comfortable with.  Just say “NO!”.  Then take your leave.

“Lonely Bar Scene”, we were at a bar, a small group of us were there to listen to some blues with a live band playing.  It was so sad to see all the women coming in dressed so scantily.  They were dolled up and dressed disrespectfully.  If they are looking for love, they will only find a one night broken heart.  Dress the part, think about your attire.  If you want to be respected, dress with respect.  A person can be very attractive dressed decently.  Seeing these young women dancing with a beer bottle in their hand appeared like a disease in modern day society.  Just getting passed around.  I felt so sad for them.  How many of them have been in uncomfortable situations they could not control?  How many keep putting themselves in these situations?  Dressed like that in those situations, what do they expect of these men?  There were older men there, obese men, and plenty of women just like them there.  All looking at their phones, and the loneliness was obvious.  Vulnerabilities obvious, either to become a victim or create one.

Do not let your cell phone checking make you a potential victim.  People are no longer aware of their surroundings.  With checking of the phones, no one sees whose around or what is going on.  Crime is real, look around, be aware.

Do not just go in somewhere just because you are invited.  How long have you known someone?  Do not just invite someone in because you have met them once or twice.   Sometimes, we just have to end the call, try hanging up after saying GOOD BYE.  Being assertive is becoming a practiced skill.  Try it.

Take your time to decide a matter.  Get all the information you can.  Do not be so nice that you blindly enter into a matter.  Nice people are not always smart, but smart people can be nice.   Do not give the benefit of the doubt indiscriminately.  It takes a long time for me to know someone, and it takes a long time for someone to know me.  Take your time, do not be a desperado.

No need to be unduly suspicious, but we need to be cautious.  A scripture I love is ” be cautious as a serpent and as innocent as a dove”.   Do not be a victim, and do not victimize.

Whom is movin’ in and why?

Background checks, what are you talking about?  We are friends, I know it will work out great.  We will help each other.  I am letting them move in.

People are movin’ in, or they are letting someone move into their apartment or home.  It will cut expenses, it will no longer be lonely.  We have it all worked out.

Step back and consider a few things, it could save your life, credit, peace of mind, and much more.

You say, “I know him or her, that would never happen.”  Do not let your own lonely situation make you vulnerable, do not let your financial situation make you desperate.  A situation you jump into without thoroughly looking may be very hard to extract yourself from.

1.  Does this person have debt?  Oh, they need help for just a bit.  Is there a chance you could end up carrying the load and have a freeloader on your hands.  Men or woman are guilty of the above.  Identity theft happens all the time.  My friend’s son moved in with a couple of his friends, they thought they would save money and have a great time socially.  Instead, my friend’s son disappeared and one of his roommates stole his identity, and with the other roommate they left.  My friend’s sons body has never been found and almost a decade later my friend had to have his son declared dead.  The one roommate killed himself and the other fled to another country.  This happens more often than you think.  Even if you are not killed, it is an expensive ordeal to get your credit sorted out after the theft.

2.  Can you be sure the person will help carry the load financially?  How long have they had the job they work now?  How much do they earn?  What debts are they carrying? Is there any children out there you do not know about, child support takes about a third of the paycheck.  How do they spend money, latest and greatest with the clothes, cars, shoes, pedicures, hair bleaching, manicures, and massages. Do they like to go out to eat a lot, and where do they go out to eat?  What other kinds of things do they spend money on?  It is a fun ride, but it incurs debt.  I let someone move into my apartment when I was 19, She supposedly was going to start a job.  She never started a job.  The money her father sent to pay her part of the rent, she used to get her hair done, manicures, pedicures, tanning, new clothes and shoes.  She ate the food I bought, and she came in late from the dates she went on.  It was painful to have to kick her out, and it was even more painful to let her stay.  I was riding my bicycle over 20 miles a day to my two different jobs.  She became a call girl after she left, she came for a visit to invite me to the glamorous life she was going to.  I felt great disappointment in her.  I could see that is where she was headed after she was living in my apartment.  What stress.  Whom knows what happened to her, and if she is even alive.

3.  Living habits, are they clean and organized, or is it a bit sloppy?  How is your habits?  If your sloppy, do not imagine you will be better with another around.  This can lead to a lot of fighting.  Let us assume you are clean and organized.  Do you really want to do all the cleaning, empying the trash, doing the dishes?  What if they leave their stuff around and they do not have the sense to help?

4.  Sleeping habits, do you go to bed early so you can get up for work early?  What if they were the opposite.  You like some peace and quiet and they like the television on all the time.  You like to communicate, but they like to play video games, and text all the time.  It can be quite annoying.

5.  Do they like to cook?  No one wants to do all the cooking and washing the dishes.  Can they cook and you do the dishes?  and visa verse’.  This is important to find out.  I love to cook, but I do not have the stamina to do the cooking of a fine meal and the dishes with kitchen clean up.  Showing appreciation for a finely cooked meal is helping to clean up.  Why should one do it all?  Whom cares if you worked all day, help make the salad, or sweep the floor, take the dishes off the table.  These are important things to find out.  You hate to cook, they do not mind doing the cooking, then help with the rest.  Anyone can chop vegetables.

6.  Is there any substance abuse or mental health issues a person should consider.  If there is any substance abuse, there is too easily other forms of abuse.  It costs money to support alcohol, cigarette, or substance abuse.  There are nice people out there that do some of these things, but there are many that are not so nice after you are committed.

7. How will you feel if you come home and people you did not know are in your place making it a nest, and using your stuff?  What if they are snoopy and get in your personal business?  What if you do not have the same friends, could there be interpherance?  Morality does make a difference, what do you know about the other person’s morality.  A young man I know gets with one girl and quickly moves in with her, then he drops her and moves right in with another, and this has gone on and on.  He never seems to hold down a job, and he is very handsome and charming.  He has children by a different woman, at least three that we know of.  He keeps on the move because it is hard to catch up with him for the support.  He doesn’t see his children, and there is no support.  He charms, and keeps the bed warm, and he eats the food you buy, and when your at work he is out charming others, but he is there when you get home because you support him well.  This is a very true situation I know of.  It happens all the time.  And there are woman whom have a child from this man, a child from another, and a child from another, because they are fickle.  Why do you deserve this?

Do not let your feeling sorry, compassionate side, cause you to be vulnerable and at risk.  Exercise wisdom, you cannot know someone you just met, or someone you have known a while.  Whose idea for the move in was it?  Is there a rush job going on?  You could be in danger of a complete disruption of your life.  Do not let your life become a Lifetime movie.  Does someone claim to need your help?  What were they doing before you came along?  Have they disrupted someone else’s life?  If you want to help someone, then help someone whom really needs it.  There are soup kitchens you could volunteer at.  Many children would benefit from a weekend foster parent, contact an state children’s agency and apply.  They will compensate you and you will make the difference in a child’s life.  There is too many sad stories out there, there are too many victims, if some would stop and think, there would be less of these situations happening.

Work for the success of your own life.  Eventually a positive situation will happen in your life.  Learn to live your life, enjoy your hard work, responsible living, and like yourself.  Your life needs to be fabulous because you make it that way.  No one can make it that way for you.  Others just add to your life if your careful about whom you include.  It is great to take this as an opportunity to learn to live joyfully all by yourself if that is your present situation.  If your already living with someone, talk about these matters.  If you are the one with some of these ways that could use improvement, then do not put off making positive adjustments in your ways of living.  The good and decent people in our life deserve the best we can give.  Our considerate ways are a great demonstration of love.