Red Flags Going up and Your Defenses are …

All at once you are in the midst of someone whom stresses you out, and they continue on.  What they say and do is overwhelming, how can you regain control?  When your in situations that you feel propel you along and it seems your mind cannot think of a way to change where you think it may be headed, what can you do?

When did the red flags start popping up?  How many excuses did you make that allowed the situation to continue on?  There are times we become victims.  There are times we do not have to become victims.  What can we do when we feel uncomfortable?

Change a situation sooner, excuse yourself.  Do not be in the habit of making excuses for someone that is in the habit of disrespectful behavior.  Mention to them at another time how you felt about the situation and what made you uncomfortable.  Tell them kindly what you would like to see different.

Watching the show Judge Judy you learn there are a lot of people out there surfing through relationships and opportunities where they make themselves at home while exploiting from you.  The victims are so eager for a relationship that when the charmer wants to start bumming the dollars, the money is then extorted.  When the well of affections runs dry, when the money numbers flags go up, then the extorter moves on.  The lonely one then takes them to Judge Judy because they are now on the list of those being made a victim.  Young teenagers should watch Judge Judy so they can see what mistakes to avoid in relationships.  There are men, and there are women that victimize.  Read my previous article:  Whose Movin’ in and Why? on fatfitanfab.com

A friend of mine was approached by someone about dating with the consideration of marriage as the end goal.  She actually did a credit check on him and a background check of sorts.  They have been happily married for years.  He loves to joke about it, but he is delighted he was up to par.

When in a high pressure situation, excuse yourself with the phrase, “I need to call my father, or mother.”  Then call them.  You can tell a person that you do not want to talk right now.  Make a date very soon to talk to them. Keep it safe.  Do not let yourself be bullied into something your not comfortable with.  Just say “NO!”.  Then take your leave.

“Lonely Bar Scene”, we were at a bar, a small group of us were there to listen to some blues with a live band playing.  It was so sad to see all the women coming in dressed so scantily.  They were dolled up and dressed disrespectfully.  If they are looking for love, they will only find a one night broken heart.  Dress the part, think about your attire.  If you want to be respected, dress with respect.  A person can be very attractive dressed decently.  Seeing these young women dancing with a beer bottle in their hand appeared like a disease in modern day society.  Just getting passed around.  I felt so sad for them.  How many of them have been in uncomfortable situations they could not control?  How many keep putting themselves in these situations?  Dressed like that in those situations, what do they expect of these men?  There were older men there, obese men, and plenty of women just like them there.  All looking at their phones, and the loneliness was obvious.  Vulnerabilities obvious, either to become a victim or create one.

Do not let your cell phone checking make you a potential victim.  People are no longer aware of their surroundings.  With checking of the phones, no one sees whose around or what is going on.  Crime is real, look around, be aware.

Do not just go in somewhere just because you are invited.  How long have you known someone?  Do not just invite someone in because you have met them once or twice.   Sometimes, we just have to end the call, try hanging up after saying GOOD BYE.  Being assertive is becoming a practiced skill.  Try it.

Take your time to decide a matter.  Get all the information you can.  Do not be so nice that you blindly enter into a matter.  Nice people are not always smart, but smart people can be nice.   Do not give the benefit of the doubt indiscriminately.  It takes a long time for me to know someone, and it takes a long time for someone to know me.  Take your time, do not be a desperado.

No need to be unduly suspicious, but we need to be cautious.  A scripture I love is ” be cautious as a serpent and as innocent as a dove”.   Do not be a victim, and do not victimize.

Estrangement, it happens too often, is there someone you have left behind?

Estrangement, it has become too common and there seems to always be a reason for it.  Sometimes, it is just someone not making that first phone call, sometimes it is something that happened years ago and people just do not forgive and let it go.

People move so much because of employment and other opportunities and the habit of familial communication has gone to the wayside.  People just do not keep in touch with their family because their lives are so busy.  People get forgotten.   Or people say, I should call Aunt “Ruthie, or I should call my brother,  a thought is postponed and more years go by.  It seems neighbors and workmates have become the new family in some situations.

New technology makes people think they are keeping in touch with posts, but that is not true personal communication.  Even texting is not the same as speaking into a phone and hearing the voice of a loved one.  Conversation is becoming a lost art.

There is the fact that people get offended and hurt, and grievances are not addressed and relationships are dropped as if they never mattered.  Fight for the relationship.  Admit, apologize, and do not do it again.  If you feel someone offended you, ignoring them for years does not settle a problem.  Address the issue.  A loved one is being missed out on.  Sometimes people do not realize that what they did was so harmful and they may not even be aware of the harm done.  Your ignoring them is a hint they will never get.  If you can just forgive and let go than that may reestablish a good relationship.

There was a time I felt trampled on in every way, it was recommended that I read a book on the subject of Boundaries.  It helped me then in so many areas.  I try to practice this in my life all these years later.  Respect other peoples likes and dislikes, do not push it, and let your likes and dislikes be known.  How can people respect you if they do not know how you feel about certain things.  If I do not like early morning phone calls and my friend keeps calling me at 6 am, then I am going to tell her to call me in the afternoon.  If she says, this is my favorite time to call, I have to say it is my worst time to get a call, and Please do not call me in the mornings.  If they continue with the bad behavior then just tell them do not call me, I will call you, then call when convenient for you.  Boundary established.  If there is someone whom continually challenges your principles, and disrespects you than that is not a healthy relationship.  It is ok to let relationships go that are harmful to your emotional or physical peace.  Just speak up, and mean it.

When someone has violated you unlawfully than estrangement is a necessary protection.  Safety and self respect always come first.  When you have been defrauded than they have established the estrangement.

If there is someone in your life that you have not contacted in years, you may be missing out on the good things you remember about them and the family.  Years go by, people change, and situations change.  Maybe you have changed too.  It may be beneficial to all involved to attain peace.

There are other family members being hurt because of the dispute.  If two brothers are not talking than the parents are torn.   It hurts all the family for disputes that go on.  I thought what I experienced with my own family was uncommon, but I  hear about it so often, it is sad.

What if someone in the family changed their religion or were wild years ago and you have not communicated in years.  Is there a chance they may want to hear from you.  The wild one may not be so wild anymore, and the religious one may live their life differently than you but they still care for you.

My siblings told me if I did not leave my abusive husband that they would disown me and never talk to me again.  To me it was just another abuse, another form of domination, another ultimatum, another threat.  Now, being divorced almost twenty years, and not having my siblings in my life, it is painful and sad.  I wonder when they will get real, grow up, get a heart.  That was the wrong way to help a person that is in an abusive situation, it is another abuse.  They missed out on so much good, and my wonderful children growing up without aunts and uncles.  I miss them still.  I have reached out, they are not interested and I must have hurt them irreparably.   I am fortunate to have many good friends that have been aunts and uncles to my sons, and brothers and sisters to me.  I am blessed.

Sometimes you can feel powerless to change an situation of estrangement.  Fear of another rejection, or fear of hateful words, fear of being blamed, fear of being accused and hearing unkind words.  These can be valid reasons for fear,  yet, emotions can make us think the worst case scenario.  I have a friend whose daughter got wild in her teens and she ran away.  All these years later, the mother knows her daughter had a child and raised it.  The mother would love to communicate with her daughter and it is a painful unresolved situation.  Just talk about the good and reset the relationship.

Hashing over the mistakes, words, and actions does not always improve a situation.  What does a person want, to just get it off their chest and not have a relationship.  A doctor told me to send each of my siblings a letter and confront them.  I did that and regret it, did they need to be reminded of their mistakes.  It accomplished nothing and ruined a chance for reconciliation.  If you want a relationship, it is not always necessary to rehash.  Sometimes confronting issues can create more hurt and a relationship sought is not available.  It may not be necessary to address things if those days are gone by.  Just send a card with a few words of kindness, do not write pages, do not blame and find fault.  Just keep it condensed and simple and write something little about yourself that is positive.  Put your phone number and email address in and send.  It may be a sweet surprise to them.  And the response may be more affectionate than you expected.  Risk it, you might not get a response, but than again you might.