Lonely, How can a person get thru the next few days?

Do you ever feel lonely?   Why are you lonely?  Are you alone, or are you in a family and lonely?  Lonely, when there is so much to consider.  Why am I lonely, is it because I am alone?  What can I do to enrich this moment so I no longer feel alone?  Some people are alone, they live alone, and they may not live in the same community as their family.  Families are estranged too often which also contributes to aloneness.  For whatever reason, being alone is not healthy if that is a continuous situation.

If your alone because your mate works a lot or is involved in a lot of activities than have you mentioned that you would like to spend more time with them.   Mention it briefly without weaponry.   The other day, I mentioned to my oldest son whom is married and lives only about 15 minutes away that I am sad we are not able to stop in when we are in the area.  They both work full time, and their lives are so busy that they really do not appreciate people dropping by without calling ahead of time.  They are right.  I think I offended him in the way I commented about it, and he felt I was laying a guilt trip.  That was not my intention and it only further served up sad feelings and frustration that it was received that way.  Therefore, I have no recommendations on how to communicate your feelings.   Just let a person know you would like to spend more time with them and leave it at that.  If your mate is very busy, what activities can you do to be more busy?  Are you fulfilling all your personal and domestic responsibilities?  Join a knitting group or painting group at your local senior citizen center, they would love to have you there even if you are not a senior.  Each week have a day to visit local sites such as museums, gardens or parks, the library or bookstore.  Invite your mate, they may surprise you and take a vacation day off to join you.  The more busy you are, the more accomplished you become, the more you have to talk about, the more interesting you become.  Plan out the month ahead for yourself, then do them.  Keep your calendar visible so your mate can see what your interested in.  This is not to promote independence, it is only living a healthy life.

If you do not have a lot of relationships because you are new to an area then you must understand it takes time to build a relationship.  You do not have to sacrifice your morality or defraud your budget to have a relationship.  Dutch is best, your only in control of you.  Dutch means there are no misconceptions or hidden expectations.  You are nice because you go, be your own transportation.  You never have to prove how nice you are or how interesting or knowledgeable you are.  Yes, whom says you will even like the other party after you get to know them for a while.  So, do not put your morality or money on the line.  Integrity lost in an thoughtless eve can take years to retrieve.

When I am alone, I love projects.  What projects do I have on my agenda right now?  If you are my friend and I assume you are, I would tell you…

My dresser top which is about five feet long had everything it shouldn’t have on it for far too long.  The mirror fell behind the dresser a couple years ago, and because I am overweight, I did not care to look anyway.  Last week,  I decided to remedy the mess and took a couple piles of clothes off and put away, then I consolidated the perfumes and lotions. (Far too many) I do not need to buy more perfumes or lotions according to “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up” expert Marie Kondo.  She advocates tossing most of what you have.  I do not agree with that point since I like what I have and I have the room for it.  I did access what I have with no pressure and made a mental note to use what I have.  There were a few things I chose to toss, and that I had got all the use I wanted from them.  Her program is great, I have just finished the second of  four cd’s from her series I received a couple weeks ago.

As I continued to group and organize my belongings of what was on my dresser top my husband John came in and looked at me and mentioned that ‘wasn’t it time I think about making dinner’.  I agreed that it was a good time to make dinner and that since he could see I was productively busy, couldn’t he make dinner.  Really, I did have the rice an vegetables done in the Black an Decker RC436 type 1, that our son Brock gave us for our anniversary last year.  John, he looked at me when I suggested he let me continue working.  He saw the bed was loaded up with piles of clothes, papers, and junk jewelry.  He left and went to the kitchen likely shaking his head wondering if I would get to clearing the bed.  When I went and stirred the rice which is periodically needed so as not to stick to bottom of cooker, I was pleased to see him using a cookbook trying to decide how he was going to marinate the wild caught salmon he purchased.  As I put away, tossed, or organized  I found things I had been missing.  Now the dresser was lovely again, I could see the dresser scarf I made a few years ago with a precious piece of jacquard fabric that I surged a nice edge on.  So satisfying, and the meal was very satisfying too.  He was very pleased.  The mirror is up, I feel looking into it is not so offensive.  One project done.  Is there a project nagging you to get done, make time now.

Another project is that I am trying to make a nice pair of denim sage green pants.  A good quality fabric always makes it worth doing.  Purchased pants no longer come up to the waist, and that is what I like, a hi-rider.  Do you sew?  Many men and women sew of all ages.  It can be frustrating at times, bobbins pop up, needles break or the fit is not right.  Fix it and keep sewing.  Finally the pants look like nice pants, just need to hem them.  That is not all, the frustrating part is that I have to take the yoke I designed off the back, and decrease a few inches because thankfully, they are too large at where the lower back is.  A couple darts and a zipper are required then, incorporating the lovely yoke is a creative challenge I am mentally working out.

A lot of rest I have needed in the last couple weeks due to extremely low blood pressure, fevers, and exhaustion.  When your dizzy, you should lay down so you do not fall down.  With a cut on the bottom of my left foot, whom wants to walk a lot anyway.  The infection in left leg seems to finally be healing.  Almost.  Sounds so dreary really.  Projects keep my mind busy.  Do you have projects?  Proverbs 31 suggest them greatly.

Loneliness, do you send cards?  Snail mail is the best, support our Post Offices and they will not be a thing of the past.  I value the sweet cards I receive and letters, and I send a lot of cards and letters every week.  I send cards and sometimes gifts to complete strangers.  If I hear someone does well at something, or if someone is sick, or suffers a loss, then a card is what I can do to support mankind.  Expressing commendation where it is truly due, or compassion, empathy and support, that is something any of us can do.  My handwriting suffers due to rheumatoid, so I prayerfully choose my words, and then I write a brief note.  The Tuesday Morning stores have beautiful stationary at affordable prices.  TJ Maxx, or The Ross are other department stores that also sell cards and or stationary at decent prices.  Do not wait for a card or wait for kindness or thoughtfulness.  When you send a card or small letter, send with prayers, hopes, but no expectations.  Every week cards or letters go out, and usually a few come in.  So sweet, the treasure trove of thoughtfulness can be in quiet moments.  Being alone enjoying expressions of someone now gone is also a healing.  The mother whom raised me, (some day I will explain that) sent me a letter with ten dollars suggesting I go get a dessert for the boys and I that we would ordinarily not do because of cost.  She lived far away.  We did as she suggested and that was so very sweet.  She has been gone for possibly twelve years now.  I have that little letter which I kept in a little box that I recently discarded, now it is put in a little book of knitting socks, and periodically a couple times a year I pull the letter out , read and weep.  Yes, she has no idea how meaningful the gift was then and how it still affects me now.

When the boys were toddlers, there I was now a single mother with three.  With no family to turn to, no child support, loneliness was a common occurrence.  Being overwhelmed with financial responsibilities, working contract work in the field of architecture and construction, life was feast or famine.  From mid November until about February, there were little opportunities to work, so I became an expert at stretching the dough.  One time, I earned three dollars too much to qualify for any assistance.  Others seemed to be doing so well on assistance, and we were getting evicted with no where to go.  I always have had my faith and many times my brothers and sisters in our faith were the ones to come to the rescue.  For that I am so appreciative.  I found it so humiliating to be in need and strived to handle our problems on my own.  There were times I was so lonely it was almost crippling.  Having projects even then was so helpful.  I made the most adorable denim and suede coats for my sons.  Proud I wanted them to be, and I wanted them to feel equivalent to those around, and I would tell them although we did not have bucks in the wallet, we were still richer than most.  I would take them to the Home Depot classes for children to learn how to make things.  They loved it, and it built healthy esteems in them too.  As adult men, they design and build whatever they want.  Blake designed a wonderful bed, dresser, closet unit, and it even had secret drawers.  I was so impressed.  He knows he can design and make what he needs when he wants.  It saddened me when they disassembled it.  Brock designed a treehouse with an elevator that goes up.  He lives there.  When people stop in, they always want him to take them up in the elevator to see the treehouse.   Brent, he is now a plumber, and he buys, fixes, sells, and trades cars.  He designed an entertainment center the whole length of the wall in his bedroom 14′ long, that was interlocking with no screws or nails.  Now he has designed an L shaped dresser, entertainment center, that also has cubbies for ties, and a shoe organizer.  He is striving to finish that.  So proud I am that we struggled through the hard times optimistically enduring.  They are three adults, sons that have proved to be survivors.  Do you have a single parent that you work with or live near?  Can you give them a gift card for a tank of gas, or an oil change, or a Walmart gift card for new shoes an socks for all, or haircuts, or coats.  With no expectations, a gift lifts both the giver and receiver.  Commendation also goes a long way.

So crafts may not be your thing, you do not want a mess.  How many people have guest rooms set perfectly up with the hopes of company that never comes.  I am a great advocate of the futon because it folds up into a couch and is a comfortable bed when need be.  My friend Michelle let me stay at her home unexpectantly for two an a half weeks when my father died.  I had just had another surgery and felt incapable of being on my own with a rented car an a place to stay, a short term amnesia besides the sadness of the situation and unnecessary family  drama, I was happy to have her generous support and the futon was comfortable too.  This was her and her husband’s office which was occasionally used as a guest room when need be.  Turning the guest room into a multipurpose room means you can keep your sewing machine set up.  Make yourself a blouse, or a pillow for a friend etc.  Or set up a small area to make jewelry or some other thing you have been interested in.

These next few days can be rough on some, take advantage of the extra time and learn something new, take a walk, call an old friend, finish something, or clean out your cabinets.  Make a list and work it.  I am starting to read the Bible book of Acts, I heard it is inspiring.  For some of these activities, being alone is a Godsend.

 

 

 

November, only Four weeks long, what will we do with our time ….

November, so much to consider.  Seasons changing, time changing, attire changing, does anything stay the same?

Some things are good to keep the same, it is nice to be able to depend on a few things.  Five Sundays and five Mondays, do not be blue about Mondays.  We have five Sundays to catch up on rest, or chores, or projects.  Mondays are known as the start of things, what can we start?

Before it gets too late into the month we can call family members an see how they are doing.  Make time to visit long distant family members or send a card.  Has there been an estrangement?  Forget the issue, there are many reasons why, and they are not important as the years fly by.  Things can be misrepresented, misunderstood, misadvised, and just totally misdone.  Likely all feel sorry.  Yet, all miss out when there is an estrangement.  Reach out, remember the good, heal the breach, reconcile.  My ex father in law called Sunday and it has been years, I did not even recognize his voice until he laughed.  Nice visit on the phone.

Movies at this time of year are all so inspiring regarding spread the love, be kind to strangers, etc.  Love your neighbors, love your family and love strangers, put it into action.  Yet, be safe, do not be unwise.  People experience all sorts of fraud at this time of year because they want to be “good deed doers..”  as said on Wizard of Oz.  We can be responsible humans, considerate to fellowman, and if we consider ourselves Christian than Be that Christian the scriptures describe regarding the New Personality.  My father said, “Be what you say.”  His 7th grade education was weightier than an expert in a said field.  If you feel you are honest, then be honest, if you feel you are moral, than be moral.  If you feel you are loving, be loving.

Think of a goal, such as consider your prime responsibilities in life, are you a Husband, Wife, Father or Mother?  Consider how you can be better at that.  It is easy to assume we have it down pat and there is no need for improvement, but there is always room for improvement.  All can be more loving, more helpful, express love more often and show appreciation.  Help out with the expenses by not being so expensive to maintain.  Contribute more to the household by doing chores to help your mate with what they would normally do.  If there is more than one, than one alone should not be fixing the meals and doing the cleanup.  Help, do something, help with the dishes, or sweep or clean the bathroom.  Surprise your loved one with an unexpected card or a small gift, or meet them for lunch.  I met my son for lunch and we only arranged it an hour before.  It was so nice spending time with him at a restaurant close by his work.  He will be 23 this month and I cannot believe my middle son has grown to be such a wonderful adult.

My goal for November is to improve my part of all relationships I value.  Allot can happen in November, you can warm up your life.  “Be what you say!”

Red Flags Going up and Your Defenses are …

All at once you are in the midst of someone whom stresses you out, and they continue on.  What they say and do is overwhelming, how can you regain control?  When your in situations that you feel propel you along and it seems your mind cannot think of a way to change where you think it may be headed, what can you do?

When did the red flags start popping up?  How many excuses did you make that allowed the situation to continue on?  There are times we become victims.  There are times we do not have to become victims.  What can we do when we feel uncomfortable?

Change a situation sooner, excuse yourself.  Do not be in the habit of making excuses for someone that is in the habit of disrespectful behavior.  Mention to them at another time how you felt about the situation and what made you uncomfortable.  Tell them kindly what you would like to see different.

Watching the show Judge Judy you learn there are a lot of people out there surfing through relationships and opportunities where they make themselves at home while exploiting from you.  The victims are so eager for a relationship that when the charmer wants to start bumming the dollars, the money is then extorted.  When the well of affections runs dry, when the money numbers flags go up, then the extorter moves on.  The lonely one then takes them to Judge Judy because they are now on the list of those being made a victim.  Young teenagers should watch Judge Judy so they can see what mistakes to avoid in relationships.  There are men, and there are women that victimize.  Read my previous article:  Whose Movin’ in and Why? on fatfitanfab.com

A friend of mine was approached by someone about dating with the consideration of marriage as the end goal.  She actually did a credit check on him and a background check of sorts.  They have been happily married for years.  He loves to joke about it, but he is delighted he was up to par.

When in a high pressure situation, excuse yourself with the phrase, “I need to call my father, or mother.”  Then call them.  You can tell a person that you do not want to talk right now.  Make a date very soon to talk to them. Keep it safe.  Do not let yourself be bullied into something your not comfortable with.  Just say “NO!”.  Then take your leave.

“Lonely Bar Scene”, we were at a bar, a small group of us were there to listen to some blues with a live band playing.  It was so sad to see all the women coming in dressed so scantily.  They were dolled up and dressed disrespectfully.  If they are looking for love, they will only find a one night broken heart.  Dress the part, think about your attire.  If you want to be respected, dress with respect.  A person can be very attractive dressed decently.  Seeing these young women dancing with a beer bottle in their hand appeared like a disease in modern day society.  Just getting passed around.  I felt so sad for them.  How many of them have been in uncomfortable situations they could not control?  How many keep putting themselves in these situations?  Dressed like that in those situations, what do they expect of these men?  There were older men there, obese men, and plenty of women just like them there.  All looking at their phones, and the loneliness was obvious.  Vulnerabilities obvious, either to become a victim or create one.

Do not let your cell phone checking make you a potential victim.  People are no longer aware of their surroundings.  With checking of the phones, no one sees whose around or what is going on.  Crime is real, look around, be aware.

Do not just go in somewhere just because you are invited.  How long have you known someone?  Do not just invite someone in because you have met them once or twice.   Sometimes, we just have to end the call, try hanging up after saying GOOD BYE.  Being assertive is becoming a practiced skill.  Try it.

Take your time to decide a matter.  Get all the information you can.  Do not be so nice that you blindly enter into a matter.  Nice people are not always smart, but smart people can be nice.   Do not give the benefit of the doubt indiscriminately.  It takes a long time for me to know someone, and it takes a long time for someone to know me.  Take your time, do not be a desperado.

No need to be unduly suspicious, but we need to be cautious.  A scripture I love is ” be cautious as a serpent and as innocent as a dove”.   Do not be a victim, and do not victimize.

Postponed feelings, why, put off the tears?

As I strive to recover from yet another surgery and other effects of my condition, I am also dealing with the fact that my beloved father is in hospice care many states away and I cannot be there.

I feel all kinds of frustration, sadness, and I want to cry, scream, stomp my feet and cry some more.  Instead, I am stuck in a recliner or on the couch.  Being prevented from doing activities, and the boredom of that, and the knowledge that I cannot go and be there with my father and family in these last most precious days.

I try to keep in contact with family and talk to my father as often as I can.  I sent flowers and a big box of candy for the family to enjoy while they are there visiting.  Yet, it is sad I feel I am not there when I am most needed.

While sitting here I decide to practice the yarn over knitted stitch my dyslexic mind cannot wrap around.  Still practicing that, I think I got it, but they do not look alike.  The knitted fabric looks like there is something wrong with it, all these wholes of various sizes and shapes.  I must put it down for a bit.

Then my friends come by, bringing dinner and another night other friends brings a pot with two baked chickens and some tasty rice.  Today, another friend pops in and brings some blueberry/raspberry muffins,  picked her own berries.  Then yesterday another friend brought a big box of seedless black California grapes, yum.  It is hard to focus on my woes with all this good love and support.  Olivia, she painted the walls in my kitchen for me and did some vacuuming and dusting.  Devoted friends are hard to find, and harder to keep, thus I have learned from the bible how to be a friend too.  It is so wonderful how good my friends are, they cheer me up so.

On that note, if you learn of anyone in your life going thru a tough time, what can you do about it?  Can you send them a card via snail mail?  Is a text really good enough for those you care for.  Can you invite them and their family to dinner at your home and practice your amazing cooking skills on them?  Or go to an antique or resale shop and buy a lovely teacup and saucer and a doily, gift wrap them and take them or send them.  Really, a kind word is a lot.

When my spleen was being removed a few years ago, my Dear friends in Maine got together and sent me some wonderful things they gathered and put in a box.  My friend was right on cue, when I only merely mentioned Oh, by the way I am getting my spleen removed.  I am really getting behind on the house and my garden has gone to ruin,… etc. she jumped into action.  They sent me jams they made from berries they picked, and maple syrup from trees they tapped, and other friends put in things and it was just the most delightful event unexpectedly receiving this in the mail.

We love to invite people over to dinner and that really works out well.  We can really sit and visit and they always enjoy looking over my interesting homestead.  We enjoy learning about others.  Once, when there was a hurricane, there were a bunch of Chinese students here on a work program and they were scared.  We invited them here for the storm and we worked on sewing projects.  Teaching one to sew, another to mend, and just had a great time.  We roughed out the storm and made some great memories.

At this point, instead of allowing myself to focus on my present situation which is out of my control, I am going to focus on all my fabulous blessings.  Being Fat, Fit an Fab greatly depends on our maintaining the most healthful attitude while we endure unpleasant situations out of our control.  Making the best of our time, I think I need to start writing some thank you notes.

Estrangement, it happens too often, is there someone you have left behind?

Estrangement, it has become too common and there seems to always be a reason for it.  Sometimes, it is just someone not making that first phone call, sometimes it is something that happened years ago and people just do not forgive and let it go.

People move so much because of employment and other opportunities and the habit of familial communication has gone to the wayside.  People just do not keep in touch with their family because their lives are so busy.  People get forgotten.   Or people say, I should call Aunt “Ruthie, or I should call my brother,  a thought is postponed and more years go by.  It seems neighbors and workmates have become the new family in some situations.

New technology makes people think they are keeping in touch with posts, but that is not true personal communication.  Even texting is not the same as speaking into a phone and hearing the voice of a loved one.  Conversation is becoming a lost art.

There is the fact that people get offended and hurt, and grievances are not addressed and relationships are dropped as if they never mattered.  Fight for the relationship.  Admit, apologize, and do not do it again.  If you feel someone offended you, ignoring them for years does not settle a problem.  Address the issue.  A loved one is being missed out on.  Sometimes people do not realize that what they did was so harmful and they may not even be aware of the harm done.  Your ignoring them is a hint they will never get.  If you can just forgive and let go than that may reestablish a good relationship.

There was a time I felt trampled on in every way, it was recommended that I read a book on the subject of Boundaries.  It helped me then in so many areas.  I try to practice this in my life all these years later.  Respect other peoples likes and dislikes, do not push it, and let your likes and dislikes be known.  How can people respect you if they do not know how you feel about certain things.  If I do not like early morning phone calls and my friend keeps calling me at 6 am, then I am going to tell her to call me in the afternoon.  If she says, this is my favorite time to call, I have to say it is my worst time to get a call, and Please do not call me in the mornings.  If they continue with the bad behavior then just tell them do not call me, I will call you, then call when convenient for you.  Boundary established.  If there is someone whom continually challenges your principles, and disrespects you than that is not a healthy relationship.  It is ok to let relationships go that are harmful to your emotional or physical peace.  Just speak up, and mean it.

When someone has violated you unlawfully than estrangement is a necessary protection.  Safety and self respect always come first.  When you have been defrauded than they have established the estrangement.

If there is someone in your life that you have not contacted in years, you may be missing out on the good things you remember about them and the family.  Years go by, people change, and situations change.  Maybe you have changed too.  It may be beneficial to all involved to attain peace.

There are other family members being hurt because of the dispute.  If two brothers are not talking than the parents are torn.   It hurts all the family for disputes that go on.  I thought what I experienced with my own family was uncommon, but I  hear about it so often, it is sad.

What if someone in the family changed their religion or were wild years ago and you have not communicated in years.  Is there a chance they may want to hear from you.  The wild one may not be so wild anymore, and the religious one may live their life differently than you but they still care for you.

My siblings told me if I did not leave my abusive husband that they would disown me and never talk to me again.  To me it was just another abuse, another form of domination, another ultimatum, another threat.  Now, being divorced almost twenty years, and not having my siblings in my life, it is painful and sad.  I wonder when they will get real, grow up, get a heart.  That was the wrong way to help a person that is in an abusive situation, it is another abuse.  They missed out on so much good, and my wonderful children growing up without aunts and uncles.  I miss them still.  I have reached out, they are not interested and I must have hurt them irreparably.   I am fortunate to have many good friends that have been aunts and uncles to my sons, and brothers and sisters to me.  I am blessed.

Sometimes you can feel powerless to change an situation of estrangement.  Fear of another rejection, or fear of hateful words, fear of being blamed, fear of being accused and hearing unkind words.  These can be valid reasons for fear,  yet, emotions can make us think the worst case scenario.  I have a friend whose daughter got wild in her teens and she ran away.  All these years later, the mother knows her daughter had a child and raised it.  The mother would love to communicate with her daughter and it is a painful unresolved situation.  Just talk about the good and reset the relationship.

Hashing over the mistakes, words, and actions does not always improve a situation.  What does a person want, to just get it off their chest and not have a relationship.  A doctor told me to send each of my siblings a letter and confront them.  I did that and regret it, did they need to be reminded of their mistakes.  It accomplished nothing and ruined a chance for reconciliation.  If you want a relationship, it is not always necessary to rehash.  Sometimes confronting issues can create more hurt and a relationship sought is not available.  It may not be necessary to address things if those days are gone by.  Just send a card with a few words of kindness, do not write pages, do not blame and find fault.  Just keep it condensed and simple and write something little about yourself that is positive.  Put your phone number and email address in and send.  It may be a sweet surprise to them.  And the response may be more affectionate than you expected.  Risk it, you might not get a response, but than again you might.