Estrangement, it happens too often, is there someone you have left behind?

Estrangement, it has become too common and there seems to always be a reason for it.  Sometimes, it is just someone not making that first phone call, sometimes it is something that happened years ago and people just do not forgive and let it go.

People move so much because of employment and other opportunities and the habit of familial communication has gone to the wayside.  People just do not keep in touch with their family because their lives are so busy.  People get forgotten.   Or people say, I should call Aunt “Ruthie, or I should call my brother,  a thought is postponed and more years go by.  It seems neighbors and workmates have become the new family in some situations.

New technology makes people think they are keeping in touch with posts, but that is not true personal communication.  Even texting is not the same as speaking into a phone and hearing the voice of a loved one.  Conversation is becoming a lost art.

There is the fact that people get offended and hurt, and grievances are not addressed and relationships are dropped as if they never mattered.  Fight for the relationship.  Admit, apologize, and do not do it again.  If you feel someone offended you, ignoring them for years does not settle a problem.  Address the issue.  A loved one is being missed out on.  Sometimes people do not realize that what they did was so harmful and they may not even be aware of the harm done.  Your ignoring them is a hint they will never get.  If you can just forgive and let go than that may reestablish a good relationship.

There was a time I felt trampled on in every way, it was recommended that I read a book on the subject of Boundaries.  It helped me then in so many areas.  I try to practice this in my life all these years later.  Respect other peoples likes and dislikes, do not push it, and let your likes and dislikes be known.  How can people respect you if they do not know how you feel about certain things.  If I do not like early morning phone calls and my friend keeps calling me at 6 am, then I am going to tell her to call me in the afternoon.  If she says, this is my favorite time to call, I have to say it is my worst time to get a call, and Please do not call me in the mornings.  If they continue with the bad behavior then just tell them do not call me, I will call you, then call when convenient for you.  Boundary established.  If there is someone whom continually challenges your principles, and disrespects you than that is not a healthy relationship.  It is ok to let relationships go that are harmful to your emotional or physical peace.  Just speak up, and mean it.

When someone has violated you unlawfully than estrangement is a necessary protection.  Safety and self respect always come first.  When you have been defrauded than they have established the estrangement.

If there is someone in your life that you have not contacted in years, you may be missing out on the good things you remember about them and the family.  Years go by, people change, and situations change.  Maybe you have changed too.  It may be beneficial to all involved to attain peace.

There are other family members being hurt because of the dispute.  If two brothers are not talking than the parents are torn.   It hurts all the family for disputes that go on.  I thought what I experienced with my own family was uncommon, but I  hear about it so often, it is sad.

What if someone in the family changed their religion or were wild years ago and you have not communicated in years.  Is there a chance they may want to hear from you.  The wild one may not be so wild anymore, and the religious one may live their life differently than you but they still care for you.

My siblings told me if I did not leave my abusive husband that they would disown me and never talk to me again.  To me it was just another abuse, another form of domination, another ultimatum, another threat.  Now, being divorced almost twenty years, and not having my siblings in my life, it is painful and sad.  I wonder when they will get real, grow up, get a heart.  That was the wrong way to help a person that is in an abusive situation, it is another abuse.  They missed out on so much good, and my wonderful children growing up without aunts and uncles.  I miss them still.  I have reached out, they are not interested and I must have hurt them irreparably.   I am fortunate to have many good friends that have been aunts and uncles to my sons, and brothers and sisters to me.  I am blessed.

Sometimes you can feel powerless to change an situation of estrangement.  Fear of another rejection, or fear of hateful words, fear of being blamed, fear of being accused and hearing unkind words.  These can be valid reasons for fear,  yet, emotions can make us think the worst case scenario.  I have a friend whose daughter got wild in her teens and she ran away.  All these years later, the mother knows her daughter had a child and raised it.  The mother would love to communicate with her daughter and it is a painful unresolved situation.  Just talk about the good and reset the relationship.

Hashing over the mistakes, words, and actions does not always improve a situation.  What does a person want, to just get it off their chest and not have a relationship.  A doctor told me to send each of my siblings a letter and confront them.  I did that and regret it, did they need to be reminded of their mistakes.  It accomplished nothing and ruined a chance for reconciliation.  If you want a relationship, it is not always necessary to rehash.  Sometimes confronting issues can create more hurt and a relationship sought is not available.  It may not be necessary to address things if those days are gone by.  Just send a card with a few words of kindness, do not write pages, do not blame and find fault.  Just keep it condensed and simple and write something little about yourself that is positive.  Put your phone number and email address in and send.  It may be a sweet surprise to them.  And the response may be more affectionate than you expected.  Risk it, you might not get a response, but than again you might.

Parenting is more than a juggling act. .. and why?

Imagine yourself not just juggling four oranges, but plates are being tossed in for you to juggle too, and you gottta be so careful, you do not want it all to go to pieces with one plate dropped.

Don’t we put ourselves under that kind of pressure.  We want to be a great parent.  We expect so much of ourselves and our children that we miss out on living our life too.  The responsibilities and obligations that comes with parenting are enough.  Society puts pressure on the kids and the parents that kids need to be involved in all these clubs, sports, music, and maintaining a high gpa.  What will these kids be like when they are grown, will they know how to enjoy a quiet evening at home?  Will they know how to relax?  I am not talking about playing videogames or watching endless hours on the television in their room.

Can they do a good job without it having to be the number one spot?  Parents do not have time or energy to be married couples, and children do not have the time to relax and enjoy being a youth.  Fishing, skateboarding, building things, or making model cars, or rebuilding their bicycle or working on their car.

When raising our three sons, I had them taking piano in the winter and golf in the spring and summer with swimming.  Just one activity all were participating in.  I just did not feel capable of running them around all the time while carrying out my other obligations of work, domestics and ill health.  Saturday mornings every couple weeks we would do the Home Depot children’s shop where they made a different project each time.  As grown men, they know how to do many things and earn money doing these things.  My middle son lives in a tree house he designed and built, and he installed an elevator, and recently he used decks he was paid to remove from someone’s home, he used these decks very creativily to get up to his elevator and tree house.  It is so cool and we are proud of him for that.  They all know how to make or build anything they want or need.  (The Home depot has other classes to learn how to make and build things, even a woman’s class, check it out online and see, it is a fun activity)

In this age of joblessness, and the challenge of getting a respectable wage, and school loans that need to be repaid.  We really need to rethink the types of extracurricular activities we are keeping our children busy with.  Instead of worrying about whether they will be good enough to be picked for this or that.  Let us teach them to be good enough in daily living.  If we teach them to clean up after themselves, teach them to wash, dry and put away their clothes, teach them how to clean a bathroom, and how to wash floors, and how to manage money it could help them the rest of their life.  If they are slobs with these expectations that the parents and hired help are going to do everything, what kind of roommates will they be in a dorm, or if they want to share an apartment.  They will get kicked out and lose their deposit money.  What kind of marriage mates will they be if they cannot do these things.  Modern day woman do not want to carry the domestic load alone.  The day of a man coming home from work, grabbing a beer and sitting in front of a television for the next six or more hours are gone by.  Marriages like this are not surviving anymore.  It takes both mates to keep a house up.  My husband and sons all do their own laundry, and each has two nights a week of dishes and kitchen duties.  Tonight, one of them finished painting a bathroom for me, it took about twenty minutes for him to do it.

Success is not just career and home, it is family, and living our lives with those we love.  Whom says we have to overload our schedules with all these obligations.  Whom says we have to put all that stress on our children for them to be happy.  Do our children really have to play on some famous team for us to tell them well done.  Can’t we simplify our expectations and ease up the stress on ourselves and our children.  No one will be the lazier for it, but they might be the happier, more peace in the house since everyone isn’t running somewhere all the time.

There has to be a new balance considered.  It will benefit the marriages, and it will ease up some of this constant pressure on our youth.  Happy families are successful families.

Taking a Moment to… This is better than a greeting card ..

This is better than a popular brand of greeting cards.  This is not romance, and it is not to be saved for a holiday, it is real life now.

Stop, take a look at your nearest and dearest.  Are you too busy to smile?  Can you look in their eyes and listen while they are expressing themselves to you?  Can you give a hug and hold while expressing words of appreciation?

It might be an elderly person in your life, it could be your mate, or your sibling, or your child.  We have a responsibility to be emotionally affectionate.

More children and adults are made vulnerable just because they do not hear often enough, I love you.  I appreciate all you do.  You look so nice today.  Your so good at that.  I need you in my life.  Thank you.  People in our lives are emotionally starving and it shouldn’t be a card once a year that tells them how important they are to you.

With electronic devices, I see families in restaurants and everyone except one is fooling with their phones.  They look lonely and irritated.  Personally, I would move to another table and I would be less lonely eating alone.

It takes so much to earn a respectable wage and to carry all the responsibilities in our lives.  People are emotionally and physically spent.  Our loved ones can get neglected in the process.  We need not put it off, all need love, affection and approval.

There are some really exceptional people out there that already take the time and do this with their loved ones, and their loved ones feel very loved.

No, this is not a special occasion card.  No one knows how long they will live or how long another will live.  Time and unforeseen occurrence befall all.  Love expressed is a most cherished moment.

Clean up this Life ….

Clean up our life, many people have a great and amazing life.  The rest of us need to take a good look at our life and see what adjustments we could make to improve the overall situation.

There are many areas we can consider:  Here are just five areas that could make a big difference in our life.

1.  Presentation:  As a very large woman I have come to realize that the presentation of self makes a difference in how I feel and how others respond to me.  A few heavy gals I know dress very nicely, but I have seen some become more immodest as the pounds come on.  The more pounds the lower the blouse goes.  The tighter the pants get.  I feel embarrassed for them.  The kind of attention they receive may not be honorable.  Or show any kind of respect for them.

Have a neat clean appearance, put on a small amount of make-up if you like, and do our hair nice, even our nails can be clean and nicely shaped.  Wearing attractive clothes that are modest improve the overall image.  Even getting an occasional pedicure inspires good feeling.  Being heavy gives me a lot of practice, so when I become thin, I will already be dressing and looking this way.  Have you ever seen a large woman whom is lovely with a beautiful smile that dresses nice?  That could be you.

2.  Conversation with a smile.  There is an art to good communication.  Personally, I do not like the question  “How are you?”  I feel that is a dead end question.  Do I tell them how bad I really feel and how hard it was to get out today.  Or do I just say fine when it is not fine.  Instead a question I like is:  “What have you been busy with lately?”  People love to tell you what they have been doing.  Listen, do not be too quick to take over with your own thoughts.  Respond to their thoughts and expressions with something like “How long have you been working on that”?  “what caused you to be interested in that?”  Let them talk.  You will enjoy listening to another.  I already know how I think and feel, I am interested in how others think and feel.   Then you can say, I ventured in that a few years ago and got off track, maybe you can help me get started again.  Thus, more promising interchanges and possibly spending time with a new friend.  If there is time for it, you can tell them something interesting you have been doing, working on, or going to, and I am sure they will want to hear about it.  If the conversation drops, you can still remember what they told you, and next time you see them you can ask them about it.  Comfort levels will increase, and a friendship can develop.

3.  Our surroundings, are we clean and organized.  That is such a challenge.  Some are naturals at this and I admire them.  Closets can be a big problem.  Especially when you have winter and summer mixed together, or a variety of sizes, or casual with the dress.  It is good to pull all out of and organize by type:  a shirt section, a skirt section, dress section, casual, short coats, long coats.  Even then organize your skirt section by colors like a rainbow.  Then the dress section.  It helps when getting dressed to quickly pick out what you need.  If you are in a few different sizes and you constantly shuffle thru to find what will fit, it can be discouraging.  Make a section for just what you can where now.  This has made my life so much easier.  I use to cry just pulling out 20 items to see what would fit.

4.  Time management, everyone has time to manage.  Responsibilities can take so much time and energies.  It is hard to get the checkbook balanced and the laundry done when your overwhelmed with obligations.  Make a big calendar page and fill it up with the time blocks of your obligations, then see what time is not filled.  If it is all filled until bedtime, then there are a few things to consider.  Are all obligations essential?  A friend was running a kid to dance lessons and the other to football, and then to a camp, etc. and she would be at the meets, games and recitals.  She felt she was doing what she should be doing for the children, yet she was ruining her health, nervous system, and she became resentful. Do you have a choice as far as the extracurricular?  Limit the extracurricular.  Some kids do not like it as much as you may think.  The kids still have scholastic pressures, and kids get tired too.  Some kids get stressed and start getting head aches and pain because it is too much for them.  From school to the extra curricular, to home for quick dinner and down for a heavy load of homework.  It can be too much for all.

Make time during your lunch hour to prepare a bible lesson, or take a walk, or balance a check book, or make important phone calls, or rest because you need to.  Using time blocks can help you to find bits of time to fulfill all your responsibilities.  Throw the laundry in, take a walk, put laundry in dryer, vacuum a room or two, clean the bathroom. fold the laundry and put away.  Sit and have a cup of coffee and read a bit.  That was just a time block.  You got a lot done.  Because I do not have a lot of energy, I work in small blocks and get more done.

5.  Obeying the laws, no speeding, paying our bills on time, saves us money and peace of mind.  Need I say more.  The cost of the ticket and increase in insurance is no small price to pay for the two or three minutes we imagine we save by speeding.  Obey the limit, do not get pulled over, and save your money.  Fines on the bank account, or fees on late bills.  Living within our means can add up to a lot of savings and again, peace of mind.

Cleaning up our habits and routines saves us time.  Reassessing what our obligations are and being sure whether they are important or not.  This could help us be in better control of our time.  Being mindful that whether we are obese or just plump, we need to present ourselves in well arranged attire.  We do not have to wait until we are thin to feel good about ourselves.  Our whole self image can improve with a new attitude of exercising healthy habits and cleaning up our life now.  We can build a better life now.  Start today.